NEWNESS

I will flinch a bit today whenever someone exhorts me to have a happy new year. It might be the word “happy,” which is so giddy and clown-shoe slappy, in combination with my walking personality disorder. It‘s also that the emphasis will be on Hap, as in hap hap happy. But “new? Yeah, thank you, I’ll take one of those.

Here is what I have said about “new”: When nothing new can get in, that’s death. When oxygen can’t find a way in, you die. New is scary, and new can be disappointing, and confusing: Here we thought we had it all figured out, and now it turns out we don’t. But new is life. New is aliveness. New is being curious again, which is an awakening. So yeah—shoot me some new.

I have never tried to hide the fact that I am way more anxious than the average bear, even though I have a deep faith in the goodness of God. I do believe that all evidence to the contrary, Grace bats last. So I say bring it on, with my heart in my throat. Courage is fear that has said its prayers.

You can hold two conflicting ideas at the same time, so I am excited about the midterms how horrible Mr. Trump’s poll numbers are, and how the courts keep ruling against him, and how he has to get the National Guard out of our cities, and how, no matter if he bombs Venezuela or Africa, the Epstein files will still come out.

And simultaneously, I am a little tense. I read in the papers that the Trump doctrines are failing, that the people are rising up against the cruelty and destruction—seven million No Kings marchers!—but even when the dinosaurs were dying out, they could do a huge amount of damage with those smashing crashing tails. So I am doing what is possible right now, which is donating to the organizations who are fighting the great good fights, who are feeding the hungry, standing with those most being threatened and slashed by the cruel and self-righteous sword.

It is raining today here on New Years Day, so I can’t go for a walk, which is usually what fills me and gives me hope. I’ll remind you that my current husband said that 80% of what is true and beautiful can be seen in any ten minute walk, so maybe I will go to Target for my walk today, and oh, maybe accidentally, do a little retail therapy. Outside my window, whoever is in charge of such things has arranged for a gentle rain, and it looks like the invisible has a little light in it today.